Understanding The Help Rejecting Complainer Mindset

Most of us know one or two help rejecting complainers. It can be tempting to get frustrated, give up, or get “even,” but when we react out of frustration instead of responding with kindness, we actually reinforce the beliefs that support the behavior.

Complaining is the only type of support-seeking some people know. Complaining engages others because we 1. Empathize, recalling similar struggles of our own, and 2. Get excited about sharing tools and resources that worked for us.

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But the help rejecting complainer typically isn’t able to put solutions into action- perhaps because solving the problem would result in having to scramble to find a new problem to access the support they need, or because hope that a situation could change can actually be a really, really painful thing to engage.

Set boundaries, share your reaction in a kind/non-judgemental/authentic way, and encourage professional support if appropriate.

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Image is titled "Help-Rejecting Complainer." In the middle of the image is a hand-drawn person with light colored skin, long and wavy brown hair. They are wearing glasses and a green sweater, holding a yellow cat. There are phrases all around the person, describing a help-rejecting complainer: has learned to complain as a way to access care; may fear problem-resolution would end support; usually is not aware of pattern; may be h helped through kind naming of pattern/curiosity about deeper need; complains as a way to seek support, but rejects help; struggles to tolerate the pain of hoping that a solution might work and potential disappointment; vocally displeased at being indoors, refuses to leave when door is opened; typical response: "that won't work" (often unable or unwilling to try).

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Image Description: Image is titled “Help-Rejecting Complainer.” In the middle of the image is a hand-drawn person with light-colored skin, long and wavy brown hair. They are wearing glasses and a green sweater, holding a yellow cat. There are phrases all around the person, describing a help-rejecting complainer. These phrases include: has learned to complain as a way to access care; may fear problem-resolution would end support; usually is not aware of pattern; may be helped through kind naming of pattern/curiosity about deeper need; complains as a way to seek support, but rejects help; struggles to tolerate the pain of hoping that a solution might work and potential disappointment; typical response: “that won’t work” (often unable or unwilling to try), and a final phrase- with a line pointing to the cat: vocally displeased at being indoors, refuses to leave when the door is opened;

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